I don’t know how to get into a summary of this year. You see, “she” said it couldn’t be done. Let’s just jump right into that thought. I had connected with someone years ago on Twitter who was a writer. I told her that I just wanted to discover God in my life and then write about it. She said, “Everyone wants to do that!” When she gave me that response, I assumed that “my name wasn’t on that assignment list”. If everyone was already doing that there “would be no reason for me to attempt to even try.” If I was successful in a similar venture, “then why would it matter, no one would read it anyway.”
Today, I know that these were all lies to get me to not believe in the way God has built me to operate. At last, I’ve come to the conclusion I must accept this journey for what it looks like and what God has given me to make of it. Many of you know that I have a dream of becoming a published author. Now, I know that this idea falls in line with God and what He has placed on the inside of me.
I have come to accept that. Now I’m learning not to criticize my own work. Many of you have said my dream will come true, but up to this year, I couldn’t accept that it would actually would become my reality. Therefore by not seeing the talent that God has placed inside of me I suffered from what is called “hope deferred.” Admittingly, by my own denial of God’s handiwork. I can see now that I wasn’t ready to accept it.
Accepting gifts is one thing, using them is another. It has taken several stabs at this blogging thing to realize a lot of what I am built to do and what ideas are NOT mine not to do.
All I can say is “me too”. I sense I am not the only person out there searching for God’s plan in this troubled world we live in. I have gained a lot of wisdom about a lot of things but things about the Internet, relationships, and loving people where they are, basically are hard things to tackle on a daily basis, and I, like you, don’t have all the answers.
Once I realized that I was in denial and forgotten what I was capable of, I simply asked God what I was made of and why this the tendency to write was so strong within me? Just imagine yourself asking the Lord that power-packed question! All I got back is “Do you trust Me?” from God. What I got from other people are these phrases about their own doubt. “No one reads blogs anymore.” “Everyone wants to write about God.” “What do you have to say that hasn’t already been written?” I’ll let you figure those statements out.
Can you see how doubt is one of the biggest enemy’s of a writer? I started looking at the people I was hanging out with and then changed my set of friends. So before I go on and on about what I am not, I accepted this year that I am an honest writer that seeks to write about my faith, my faith process, and where God is in the middle of it all.
When looking back at my year, I see lots of gains and a lot of confidence. I see a lot of growing and stirring. Perhaps the biggest measure or gain that happened is found in the fact that I finally wrote my first book in four weeks time before going to Africa in October. Now yes, there is a major amont of editing that needs to be done. I also realize there will be changes to the orginial manuscript. But I got it out of me and that was a process for sure.
A process worth waiting for (said with tongue in cheek) but by doing it showed me a lot of personal growth. Just knowing that I can is HUGE to a writer. You don’t know how many days I wondered if I ever could. I’ve sent it to an editor who messaged me back to say “Congratulations, you have done what only 10% of people do.” I said back to him, “What’s that?” He replied, “90% only talk about what you have already accomplished.”
I was pleased momentarily. There was a tinge of regret that it took so long. By writing the book God reconciled my past issues with food and rejection. I cast off a lot of shame, guilt, and self-blame in those pages. Because of going through the struggles, I am more free than ever before and have a stronger voice for what I have been through.
Losing weight requires hard-work and focused dedication to a goal. Writing about it requires the same kind of hard-work and focused dedication. It’s one thing to only apply this to the physical side but a whole new realm to pursuing reconcilation with God about your past.
When I see what helps me, I want to keep on saying, “me too.”
I don’t have to share my struggles but its in our weakest places can we discover God in them. My wrestling may be same as yours or completely different, as you don’t know the doubt and denial I live with. But it does help to share in those times, where we can all say “I feel you.”
Life is full of those opportunities to quit and say “that’s not for me”. Or we can choose to come alongside another and say “me too”. It’s just that, a journey and any time we can connect with others and say “I feel you”, it opens the door for God to work His reconciliation power in us and through us.
That’s a good place to be and something I’ve been dreaming for. What would you say your biggest gain of 2015 is?